Building Stronger Relationships – Gottman Style

When it comes to understanding what makes a relationship thrive—or fall apart—few have contributed as much as Drs. John and Julie Gottman. With over four decades of research, the Gottman Method offers a practical, research-based roadmap to strengthen relationships, deepen intimacy, and manage conflict more effectively.

So, what is the Gottman style of relating, and how can it help your relationship?

1. Friendship First: The Foundation of Love

At the heart of every healthy relationship is a solid friendship. According to the Gottmans, emotional connection is built on small, everyday moments of kindness, affection, and interest. This means knowing your partner’s inner world—what they love, what they fear, what stresses them out, and what makes them laugh.

They call this building a "Love Map." The stronger your love map, the more resilient your relationship will be during stressful times.

2. Turning Toward, Not Away

In relationships, people are constantly making small bids for connection—sharing a story, asking for help, cracking a joke. What matters is how partners respond. Do they turn toward the bid (engage, listen, show interest), or turn away (ignore, dismiss, or respond with irritation)?

Over time, these tiny choices add up. Couples who regularly turn toward each other build a powerful sense of trust and connection.

3. Conflict is Inevitable—How You Handle It Is What Matters

Even the happiest couples argue. The Gottman Method doesn’t aim to eliminate conflict, but instead helps couples navigate it in a way that’s productive rather than destructive.

Some of their key tools include:

• Using “soft start-ups” instead of criticism when raising issues.

• Self-soothing during arguments to prevent emotional flooding.

• Repair attempts—efforts to de-escalate or inject humor in tense moments.

The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to understand each other and stay emotionally connected, even when you disagree.

4. Beware the Four Horsemen

The Gottmans identified four toxic communication patterns that predict divorce with startling accuracy:

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

The good news? Each of these has an antidote. Learning to replace criticism with gentle startups, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with responsibility, and stonewalling with breaks and self-soothing can transform how couples communicate.

5. Creating Shared Meaning

Thriving couples don’t just manage conflict well—they also create a sense of purpose together. This might include shared goals, rituals, or dreams for the future. The Gottmans call this “creating shared meaning.” It’s about feeling like you’re building a life together that reflects both your values.

Final Thoughts

No relationship is perfect. But with intentional effort, empathy, and the right tools, couples can not only survive—but truly thrive. The Gottman Method reminds us that love isn’t just about grand gestures or compatibility—it’s about how we show up for each other every day, especially in the small moments.

Whether you're in a new relationship, navigating long-term partnership, or healing after conflict, these principles can help guide the way forward.